…i lay there in the cold darkness of the room - a blanket He had placed over me lovingly keeping me warm. My arms are drawn back behind me, chained to my ankles as i lay in a sort of hog tied position on my side. Thankfully He had removed the ball gag before i lay down there on the floor. An eye mask covers my bloodshot, weary, tear filled eyes and despite all of the care that He paid to me during our session, my nose was still full and leaking as i lay there in silence…

We’re back…well, sort of. i haven’t posted because of a lot of many different things. Life has kind of gotten in the way. i’ve had conflicting feelings about this blog and i think it has kept me away from it. i want to write but i don’t. i don’t even really get to read a whole lot any more but i catch up when i can.

In a word life has been - delightful. And that’s all i really have to say about that.

i was greeted by Master at the doorway the other day upon my return from a long road trip. He regarded me with a slight nod and a short “hi” and immediately told me, “get undressed and put your hair up in a ponytail…hurry up.”

My immediate concern was that i had been home a couple of minutes and had gone searching for my collar as is my normal habit upon returning home. Not finding it anywhere, i felt a slight panic. Not because i was afraid that He wouldn’t want me in it, but just because it wasn’t there for me to put it on and i was anxious to get back into the security of my collar and slip back into my slavery. i undressed and put my hair in a ponytail quickly as ordered and Master told me to go bend over the kitchen table.

It gave me great pause. i tried to stall as i put my hair up while i was walking.

“But..what about…my collar, i can’t find my collar, Master,” i said, my voice wavering a bit.

“you’ll get it back soon enough,” was His reply.

The kitchen table. Flashbacks ran through my nervous brain. As soon as He told me to bend over the table, my heart flip flopped painfully in my chest. The kitchen table is where, i know i’ve mentioned it before, some of the hardest sessions have taken place.

Nervous? Why would i be nervous? It’s just my body’s natural reaction. Master and i are 24/7 however, there really hasn’t been a whole lot of actual physical Dominance in our daily life in the last few months. We have, for lack of a better phrase, settled in. It’s not a bad or good and i’m not complaining (for once!) And while there is certainly no lack of actual “Master/slave” dynamic in this house, it doesn’t always include a rousing game of what we like to call “slappy butt.” J So when Master brings out the big guns, i get nervous.

i get settled into a “place” when there is no “slappy butt” for a while. i relax for lack of a better word; not that i’m any less Master’s slave in those times but it’s just that i start to feel a bit spoiled. And the nervousness comes from me feeling like i won’t be able to handle it when He brings it. i get nervous about the pain, about my ability to make it to the other side, about my ability to withstand it and make Him proud…

“Back up a step or two,” was His comment as He entered the kitchen from behind me. His hand shot out and lay the handwritten contract on the table in front of me. Master mumbled something about reading it out loud to help me get back into my “place.” i took a long, shuddering breath and started to read. Master got me good and i immediately started to cry.

To be honest, the slaps weren’t that hard. But i think we all know the power of one or two hard slaps and that raw, hot, stinging feeling that settles deep into your skin. It didn’t need to be hard through and through for me to appreciate that it’s been awhile since my alabaster buttocks had been struck. i cried, hiccupped, sucked in my breath and read out loud. i was a pitiful sort. It evened out though soon enough. The pain subsided and i realized i was being a gigantic pussy and i started to relax a bit.

That’s when He switched things up on me. Imagine the nerve. *snicker* He put ankle and wrist cuffs on me as i stood there bent over the table.

“Get in the bedroom, under the hook,” was His next order when the contract had been read out loud completely. “Kneel up, slut, hurry up,” He urged.

i rushed to the bedroom and dutifully sunk to my knees under the hook. Master came in and set about to prepare Himself for what was to come. My arms were raised above my head and i was told to stand. My ankles were clipped together so that i could barely move. The chain was drawn up between the hook between my wrists and i was told to let my arms relax. He placed a black eye mask over my eyes .

My nerves must have betrayed me. Master could feel that i was having doubts about what was just about to happen. He asked me if i was nervous and i replied simply with a nod of the head as He had placed the ball gag in my mouth only seconds before.

“you don’t need to be, you have been here before,” was His soothing reply.

What came next was a barrage of feelings and sensations. Master took my breath away at least three times with swats to my various body parts. At times so hard and fast i literally could not summon up the breath in my chest to heave out sobs that were building there. There was the paddle (wooden and leather), the rubber whip (man, that thing HURTS!), the strap, the cane and the misery stick to the nipples. And He wasn’t picky about where He struck, either. He got me everywhere - the fronts of the thighs (now that was a good wake up call!), the backs of my thighs, my calves, my butt, the small of my back, the middle of my back and the backs of my shoulders. i lost my composure two times - my legs literally turning to jelly at points and Master put his arms around me and ordered me to stand up. The second time i almost didn’t make it back up. i was a wreck.

Master asked if i was enjoying “connecting with my Master again” and i nodded. i think He was surprised by that answer. i had twisted and pulled and yanked and stomped and grunted out of sheer pain and frustration so many times i think He thought i would say no. There were times when i was in the zone and i thought that Master might allow me to stay there. It wasn’t long before the swats were unbearable though and i was right back there in place, whimpering and mewling. Master had to keep wiping at my nose as it leaked all over the place; not to mention the drool that i kept having to dispose of around the ball gag. He made the comment at one point that i was a mess.

In the end He stood before me and asked who i was and who i belonged to. i then felt Him put my collar around my neck; He stopped and asked if i felt i still deserved that collar around my neck and i said yes. With a love in His voice that i had never experienced before, He answered that He agreed and He clasped my collar in place. He cleaned my face, took out the gag and told me to get down on the floor and lay on my side. My legs and body were sore, stinging in places and i was very aware of the skin on my back, butt, and legs. i slid down onto the floor and onto my side and He tied me together there. He put a blanket on top of me and i heard Him leave the room and close the door.

And all i could think about as i lay there was how much i just wanted to be with Him; to be near Him. Several minutes later He came back and asked if i wanted to take a nap and i shook my head. i was groggy and floating and relaxed and all i could think about was being near Him. He told me to stand up and He hugged me, taking care to place my arms around Him so that i could hug Him back. He pulled me to Him closely, hugged me nice and tight as we stood there together. It was the most wonderful moment. i felt so loved, so cared for, and so happy to have Him as my Master.

Things are good here; better than they have ever been. Master is the most incredible Man and i have a newfound, stronger love for Him than ever. We have found our “niche” and are living a great life together. And i think i fall in love with Him all over again every single day.

Master doesn’t understand me sometimes. Or rather, is it me who doesn’t understand Master…this dynamic sometimes? i’m in the mood to rant tonight so i’m going to…

We have had this discussion more times than i even care to admit. i am not Master’s “type” physically (except for the junk i have in my trunk which he likes just fine.) i believe that this affects our physical relationship quite a bit.

He has told me that He had sex a lot more with His first slave. As it stands now i am lucky (and believe me, i am grateful for it) if i get sex from Master once a week. And since i don’t reach orgasm through sex very often, i don’t even get an orgasm out of it. If i ask for it or if i ask for it more than once a week then He chastises me for wanting it, calls me ungrateful for the sex He DOES give me.

i felt slighted this last time i asked and got denied (originally.) In some very un-slave-like comments to Master about the issue i said that while i realize that He is the Master and gets what He wants, it’s not uncommon for a girl at my age to get horny and want sex. That He gets at least one blow job a day; sometimes two and He’s been known to go for that third time but not that often.

Aren’t my needs important, too?

Now those of you out there who may be reading this and have lived this lifestyle a long time might feel the need to hit that “Leave a comment” button and set me straight. i realize that there are people in this dynamic that don’t have sex at all; or if a slave wants sex she might ask but never receive; or the dominant works in a “reward” dynamic wherein the slave must earn her rights to sex and even then it’s not necessarily about her. And i DO understand that sex isn’t necessarily my right (since i gave up all my rights when i signed the contract and put on the collar) and that it’s rarely going to be about me. But where does the dynamic of being a slave end and the dynamic of wanting to meet a slave’s needs begin?

So we move on…in sort of the same vein, stay with me if you can (or want to..)

Master says that i am to be reachable by phone any time He is out of the house (ie work, etc) so every night when He goes off to work i must make sure that both my cell phone and the house phone are by the bedside in case He might need me for something, anything. If i leave the house, the phone needs to be charged and ready for contact if He should need me while i’m out and about. i don’t ever begrudge this or complain; it kind of makes me feel sort of…secure?

What i do complain about is that when i leave to go on a trip (not just to run errands) Master will spend His time while i’m gone with the cell phone off and the house phone’s ringer off. His logic? If there is an emergency then i can call the local police and they will come and get Him if He’s home and alert Him to a problem. This DOESN’T make me feel secure and safe in the knowledge that if i need Him i can get Him at any time.

Again…aren’t my needs important?

Being my Owner and my Master, isn’t it important for His slave to be able to reach Him without having to call 50 different numbers or ask the local cops to go and get Him because He can’t leave one phone on for me?

Moving along….

i know that we’ve touched on this new (old) friend of His twice before in this journal and i will bring it up here until we are over it.

Master can do what He wants; He is the Master and that gets Him all sorts of special privileges. Me being the slave, i get none other than what is granted by Him. In this situation with this other woman, i’ve asked Him to look into our dynamic and find what is “sacred” and please not do it with her. i hold sex and the sharing of fluids very, very high on my list of things that are sacred. Master, apparently, does not. That’s a whole other rant for a whole other entry though, one that i’m kind of afraid to unleash into a word document for fear of what the feelings and emotions will invoke from Master.

i’m stepping aside and being a good little slave about Him entertaining His ex wife and “sending me away.” i’m even happy for Him to experience this; i’m even trying to get rid of these feelings of “hurt” by being sent away so that i can pass the “acceptance” part of this ordeal with flying colors. i’ve given Him everything in this and am currently sitting on pins and needles for the next four weeks just waiting to get past it. He has been happy with me for my attitude and my acceptance towards it (He will have complete obedience because i would never ruin this for Him no matter how i feel about being sent away.) i’ve only asked for Him to keep some things special..somethings that He only shares with me…thus making me feel like what we have is real, unique to us as a couple, that the intimacy that we share is our own. Instead He is willing to take EVERYTHING that we do, EVERYTHING He does for me and with me, and do the exact same things with her. This is, by far, the most difficult thing that i will ever have to get past with Him in our life. Don’t i get some kind of points for that?

i know i sound like a broken record but…this isn’t just about Him getting a nut; if i’m going to be gracious and step aside for Him to enjoy this experience, then shouldn’t my small bag of needs be granted some importance in all of this? This might seem small and unimportant to some (like Him) but this intimacy thing is HUGE to me. i would think that He would see that this is hard for me and WANT to work with me.

All in all, i sometimes just feel like i’m worthless. i sometimes wish that He wouldn’t ask me how i feel or what my emotions are for any particular thing. Mostly because i feel that it’s worth exactly squat.

Only its not…at least to Him.

If Master wants to know how i’m feeling it’s not so that He can change anything to make me happy; it’s only to gauge how hard something is for me, thereby giving Him a better picture of my brain and my heart and seeing just how deep my devotion to Him goes. Just because i have feelings and thoughts and emotions doesn’t mean that things will change because it makes me feel bad; it just means that Master will always have a better idea of how much i will do for Him as my Master to make Him happy.

i’m still here - in case those of you who visit this page on a regular basis (or have friended me) are wondering if i’ve dropped off the face of the earth!

This past week and a half has been a bit hectic. i’ve been away from home for a few days and tending to Master for the rest of that time.

This entry is going to serve as a “getting to know YOU” kind of entry. i want to know who is reading; i want the reader to know me better (arrogant, i know hee hee) and i want to interact more with people. So if you find it in your heart to indulge me a bit, believe me when i say it will make my week.

First of all, since installing the counter that you see on the page to the right, we have seen 660 visitors. This excites me. i like to see that number rise every day. i was going to discuss posting something different after we reached 500 however, 500 came and went and we missed it. L What would you, the reader, like to see after we reach that 1000 mark? i’d have to discuss it with Master, of course and see if He will approve it but i’m interested in finding out what the reader wants. (i warn you though, Master can be picky about what gets posted so if it’s requested and He says no, please don’t turn us off!)

Secondly, i would LOVE to know who is out there reading this blog. i was initially looking at this blog as a way to inject myself into the blog society and meet new people, make new friends, all that jazz. However, i don’t hear from you readers much. While it may appear as if i’m begging for comments, well, you’re pretty intuitive cuz i am! J i didn’t do the “Love Our Lurkers” day recently because it was a little busy around here and i didn’t get to it… L So this is my own version kind of….if you read this, drop us a quick line, say hello, introduce yourself. i’m SERIOUS!

*please?*

<insert pic of me on my knees, hands behind my back, head tipped up slightly asking please in the sweetest of sweet voices>

Enough groveling.

Thirdly, are there ever any questions you have about this dynamic, this lifestyle, me or Master that you just don’t know how to ask? i’d love to read any questions you have and with Master’s permission, answer them here in the blog for everybody to read. i would keep your identity private in the entry if you’d just like to email us and ask questions or make a comment.

Didn’t i JUST say enough groveling?

Enough.

Unless Master needs to hear it…and then…well…we all know Master gets what Master wants.

As i mentioned in another post i got strung up from the ceiling tonight. It’s been a long while since that has happened and i had mixed feelings about it from the very beginning. My mind and body betrayed me in the very beginning - as soon as Master came around the front of me with the binder clips the tears started to fall.

i am having an internal conflict (like when don’t i, right?) about this “beating” stuff. i try to tell myself that it’s the release that i crave; that everything comes to a head in those moments when He is hitting me and it’s in those moments that it’s most okay to let it all out. Just to scream and cry and let it just slide right out of me, onto the bed or floor or my body as i stand. But is it really just the release?

i don’t understand masochism. Not the book definition of masochism but how it actually relates to who i am. Am i a masochist? Do i get something from the pain? i crave a beating from Master when i don‘t have it; but is that because i crave the pain or i crave the attention? i have a high tolerance for pain; Master can attest to that, it’s also, i believe, a source of pride for Him. But the thought of the cane or the paddle or the strap or the top of that blasted rubber whip He just bought sends my brain into a tizzy. i want to pull away from it sometimes, like tonight. It’s almost as if i am afraid of the pain.

But am i afraid of the pain or am i afraid of not being able to handle it? My high tolerance for pain is also a source of pride for me as well. Lately there hasn’t been many sessions for us; Master says that He has an “ebb and flow” of sorts. There is always a paddle or that rubber whip laying around and more days than not i will get a little taste of it but nothing like the heavy sessions we had when i first arrived. The further we get away from the sessions of “pain” the less i want them when they DO show up. So tonight when i was whimpering and crying and doing my little slave dance before Him He set me straight.

“you have taken 10 times as much in the past…” He said as He reached around to grab a new implement.

Was He calling me weak? i felt shame in those moments after the comment and i FELT weak. i felt like i was being a huge baby; most importantly i didn’t hear pride in His voice or the comment. In those moments, i heard a little bit of disappointment. And that was hard to hear.

To be a submissive or a slave it takes a strong person. One who is willing to give up their own rights and their own needs and put that of another in front of them. One who is eager to please and eager to offer themselves up without fail anytime their Dom wants them to - whether you are feeling 100% on top of your game or your under the weather so badly you can barely crawl out of bed. i am proud of the strength that i have; proud of the strength that Master has given me in these more recent months. i don’t want to ever be weak or appear weak to anyone - least of all my Master.

He assured me later, when i was having a brain hemorrhage right there during aftercare and talking in stream of consciousness while my thoughts were so clear, that He meant nothing negative by that comment. That it wasn’t to be taken that way and that He was NOT telling me that i was being weak. It was over just like that because that is the beauty of this world in which we live. When Master says it is so, then it is so.

And just like that, i crawled back into myself and smiled, knowing that i did well for Master. Knowing that i was strong enough to make it through to the other side with Him (and a chain and some cuffs) helping me stand tall and proud.

It’s funny how something like a good, hard session can make your mind mud and clear as day all at the same time.

Tonight i was finally able to finish this puzzle in my head. The one that involves Master and His new (old) friend. In the din of the aftercare; i knelt between His legs on the floor as He held me and stroked me and murmured how good i was and what a good girl i had been and it came to me like a flash of light.

And i knew just right in that moment exactly how i felt.

i’m angry. Not only at Him but at myself.

i’m angry at myself for being selfish and for being hateful. i’m a nice person, TOO nice. And this woman hasn’t done ANYTHING wrong at all. She’s been respectful of my feelings about all of this - respectful in the sense that she doesn’t KNOW our dynamic and she’s been concerned about my feelings. i’m not giving her any credit here but she’s giving me a lot. She is on the outside looking in and she sees a girl who is so devoted to her man’s happiness that she is willing to step aside without jealousy and insecurity and allow him to do what he wants to do with an old flame. She doesn’t see the contract, she doesn’t know the dynamic, she doesn’t understand that while this is a huge thing for me to accept and move past with flying colors, she doesn’t see that in this dynamic, in this life, this is really just a gimme to Him.

i’m angry with Master because He can give His love to her so freely. After she put a knife in His back all of those years ago and altered the rest of His life with one selfish act. Sure, i get that she’s maybe paid her dues and He hasn’t given her a pass on any of it, He’s told her as much. But He still loves her; He still covets her, He still desires her. And that’s where i get angry. i am strung up from the ceiling, with a ball gag in my mouth, taking every lash that Master gives me with as much grace as one can have with drool and snot streaming down my bare chest and i do it for what? For His love. What is she doing? And what has she done? Nothing. It takes away from what i do; from who i am; that He can love her and me at the same time and she doesn’t have to do anything for it. All she has to do is call Him up on the phone and write Him emails. She.doesn’t.deserve.Him.

But i know that’s not rational thinking. Master listened to me ramble on in my post beating haze. He rubbed my bruises and welts and He hugged me and kissed me and got me water to drink. He didn’t chastise me or make me feel inferior or stupid for my thoughts and babbling. He listened.

i said, “It makes me angry because i am here, i’m the one who is showing You an unwavering devotion and dedication. i’m the one who loves You and would never dream of sticking a knife in Your back and You can just love her so easily. She hurt you and i didn’t and You can just love her. It’s just not fair; she’s just not worthy.”

He didn’t tell me i was crazy or ridiculous or anything else derogatory. He simply rubbed my head and said, “you’re right, she ISN’T worthy.”

At the end of our session when Master pulled me to Him i cried long and hard. Not only because the release is what i crave the most but because it’s been a long hard week and i’m desperate to come to some kind of end to what i’m feeling. i went through the whole session in my mind once more and it hit me. And i found some peace, a little bit of solace in it.

Yes, i’m here. i am in His collar and i am the one who will show Him a love and a devotion that is unmatched but not because i’m competing but because it’s who i am. And yes, it was me strung up to His ceiling, getting my back, butt and legs beaten to prove my dedication to a Man i love more than life itself. It’s me here every day, getting His water, cooking His meals, doing His chores, taking care of His life as best as i know how, it’s me who is giving Him everything He wants, no holds barred every.single.day.

She’s not. And she never could. This brings me some peace." -simplysub71

Master called me on the way home from work this morning as has become His usual practice lately. We talked for a little while and then He gave me my instructions for His arrival.

“i’m going to want you showered, dressed and made up like a whore when i get there,” He said. “White tee shirt, pantyhose and the higher of the two pair of heels,” He said.

i flew out of the bed like a kid on Christmas morning. i showered up, got dressed and made myself up like the cheapest dime store hooker you could ever find. When He came in He was firm and serious. He began our busy morning with a practice run of all of my positions.

After the positions He told me to stand up and bend over the bed (which is very quickly becoming one of my favorite Master quotes.) He ran His hands under my shirt and along the small of my back then down over each butt cheek and over the back of my left thigh.

“you look sexy this morning,” He murmured. my heart soared in my chest and i felt it swell up with happiness. i said thank You and then He got me good with the paddle.

Two or three times with the paddle and then once or twice with the smaller end of the rubber whip. He told me down and i quickly complied. He shoved His cock in my waiting mouth and i gratefully accepted it.

He had this air about Him this morning; a tone or a mood that’s not present very often. He was looking at me differently this morning - all day today, really. Inside of that look was pure, unadulterated lust it would seem. i don’t say that like some cheap Harlequin Romance novel - i say it as a reality. He gets this look about Him, a very animalistic look, or primal if you will. And it’s hot, so very hot and it makes ME hot. So when He put his cock in my mouth i was eager and ready to please.

He climbed up on the bed and ordered me to join Him. He pointed down between His legs and down i went, onto my stomach, feet up in the air and started giving Him the attention He deserved. He was on point today, too. He was enjoying my attention and He was letting me know. Again - so hot. He didn’t disturb my groove today either which was something different and nice. He didn’t interrupt me in the end and i brought Him all the way to the end where He came in my mouth. i was surprised by this and i hesitated, looking up at Him, mouth full of cock as He spasmed between my lips. He didn’t stop me or move me away, He just lay there and let it happen. It was great.

We slept for awhile then got up and went out to lunch. It was delicious. As we were leaving the restaurant we were walking to the car and He chuckled at something. i asked Him what was amusing Him and He said nothing then grabbed me hard around the back of the neck (making my pussy pop almost instantly) right there on the sidewalk, yanked me towards Him and kissed me hard and fast. My hands flew out and i sort of froze in my spot both shocked and excited by the action. i was a little weak in the knees at that point - i think i’ve mentioned a few dozen times that Master is NOT a PDA kind of guy. The grabbing of the neck and the firm, hard, delicious kiss right there on the sidewalk was most definitely PDA. Needless to say i was tickled pink.

After our session was over tonight Master brought me back from my “zone” as He puts it and we were going to go about our business for the rest of the evening. About three minutes into returning to normal He was on the couch with His cock in His hand. i turned to Him as He told me to get over there and my pussy popped once more as He snapped His fingers quickly, pointing to the couch between His legs.

“Don’t keep Master waiting,” He said as He shoved my head down over His cock. Delighted to be able to enjoy His cock in my mouth yet again today, i just smiled and giggled as i went down on Him. “Get in the bedroom,” he muttered to me as He yanked my head up by the ponytail. “ Heels on, lay on the bed, feet in the air,” he said as i clamored up from the couch. “Hurry up!” he barked as i scrambled to the bedroom.

Master had that look about Him again as He approached me on the bed.

“Good girl, spread those legs,” he murmured as He came towards me, eyeing up my position on the bed and my legs in the air. He settled in and pushed my hips back and slammed into me good and hard. After a minute or two of hard pumping Master looked down at me. “Reach up there and grab your ankles,” He said and i quickly complied. He smiled down at me and continued to ram me.

i was enjoying His thrusts, my body creaking and moaning on the inside, my new bruises and welts crying out from being shoved into the mattress and scratchy sheets. The experience as a whole was incredible and i couldn’t help but voice my appreciation of Him and His wonderful cock at every opportunity. i was so ready to beg for my release when He yanked Himself out and started to move me around. i quickly positioned my body underneath of Him as He jerked on His cock above me. Like a good little slave girl i opened my mouth to await His most precious gift.

“Close your mouth,” He said breathlessly and i complied. He shoved my head down lower and i closed my eyes when i realized what He intended. There are but two places i love Master’s cum - down the back of my throat or all over my face. When He squirts all over my face there isn’t another moment that i feel more like His whore, more like His cum slut, more like his slave. It was another profound moment for me tonight and i got an emotional charge from having a face full of His cum. He took a few seconds to drag the head of His cock over my cheek, my forehead and over my eye, making sure to spread it around and into my skin. i reveled in the feeling of His cock on my face, rubbing, sliding and spreading cum all over.

My body is sore and tired from today. It’s sore and tired as a result of having a Master who likes to use me for whatever He wishes. i know that i sound a lot like Paris Hilton but i just gotta say it.

That’s hot.

i am facing the most difficult situation with Master. Believe me when i say that i have shed enough tears over the course of the last few days to fill up a swimming pool. i think that even if this doesn’t come to fruition in the end, i have still grown as a person.

Master called me around 12:30 the other night. He had just gotten an email from someone from His past; someone He feels very strongly about and has started to build a relationship with again. She emailed Him and asked if she could come and visit. She asked how i would feel about it; would she be stepping on any toes, how would it affect our relationship, etc, etc.

My first instinct was to think, “Oh goodie, i’ve always wanted to meet this person, this could be fun!”

But that was squashed instantly with Master’s next idea.

“If she comes, I want to be alone with her. So I’ll probably send you away,” was what He said.

i was crushed. Heartbroken, nearly devastated. And yes - it was that dramatic.

Send me away? Like some dirty little secret? Like some disease He doesn’t want her to know about?

All of these months first as Master’s pledge then as Master’s slave had prepared me for this moment. The moment where He came to me and said that He was going to be with another woman. That it would prove to be an excellent training exercise; for me to prove just how deep my submission to Him is, just how much i am devoted to His happiness. That regardless of what He does with another woman, i would always be a part of it whether i played an active role or an inactive role.

Sending me away just made me feel like there was something there He didn’t want me to know about; there was something building that He didn’t want me to be a part of because active or inactive, it just didn’t involve me. As we continued to discuss, at times heatedly, He informed me that He wasn’t looking to make this a training exercise and it would have nothing to do with my slavery. That put simply, this was a woman from His past and He was going to get his groove on whether i liked it or not.

He said, “I don’t want you around because I don’t want have to worry about having to entertain someone else.”

i felt a physical pain in my chest at that one. i sunk even lower in my status in that very moment. Since when was i just “someone else to entertain”? The more we talked, the more apparent it became that He just didn’t want me around that this indeed wasn’t a training exercise, it was just about getting a nut with an old flame and He wanted to be free to do whatever He wanted to do without having to worry about keeping me in line or showing this woman the dedication that we both have to each other. i felt He had reduced my status in those couple of hours that we talked. That He wasn’t willing to share me and our life with this woman because i wasn’t important enough to Him. That clearly, it was more important for Him to do whatever He wanted with this woman and we would simply pick up where we left off when she was gone.

i cried buckets of tears that night and again the next morning when He came home. He didn’t understand why i was so upset; that i should be accepting of this with an excellent attitude and just move forward. That while this was indeed a huge sacrifice to me and we would work through things. i admitted to Him during that time that while the fact that He wants to have sex with this woman is fine with me, i had some issues with the thing in its entirety. That He was “sending me away”, that He didn’t want me to be included and stand on a united front and introduce me to her as His new love and show Her that we are a solid, committed couple.

The issues run deep. i have since come to terms with all of them somewhat. It still hurts me to a degree and there are lots of reasons why. Master and i have spent a few hours discussing all of my thoughts, feelings and fears about every angle. i am grateful to Him for that time spent.

My first issue was the sending me away part; the part where He made me feel as if i was nothing by telling me that He didn’t want to have to worry about me while she was here. We got through that and He took the time to explain that while yes, He had said that, i had taken it entirely out of context. He said i could choose to dwell on it and make it negative or understand that i am not “just” anybody to Him; that i am not just “someone else” in His life. That i wear the collar and she doesn’t and that’s all that matters. While i am past it now, it’s still hard to swallow because she doesn’t know what our dynamic is. She knew Him before He had figured all of this out years ago; for all she knows i am just someone in His life that He is willing to send away when she comes so that He can be free to do whatever with her. To me that sends her a signal that she is important to him and i am not.

During our discussions i told Him how i felt about sharing certain things with her while she is here. i wanted to know how sacred things are and what He is willing to just give her during a romp in the sack that He isn’t willing to give me without an extreme show of dedication and devotion. i admitted to Him that i didn’t like the idea of Him allowing her to swallow His cum; that His cum is a gift or reward that He gives me as His slave and devoted partner and that its sacred to me. i also told Him that i don’t feel as if it is right to allow her to kiss Him on the mouth. While He told me that its not my place to dictate, He didn’t understand any of those thought processes and that He would do what He wanted. i still can’t get Him to understand that i feel strongly about this stuff. i tried to get Him to understand that if these things are sacred between us and He just goes and say, allows anybody to swallow His cum, where do i come off being any more special to Him than somebody on the street? He said that there is a piece of leather around my neck that says i am more special to Him than just anybody on the street. That it means i’m the queen.

We discussed this at length but didn’t resolve anything. My big reasoning behind it is how things ended between them. She hurt Him and i was the one that was there for Him to pick up the pieces all of those years ago. i know how devastated He was; i know what she did to Him and it made me angry. Master is a good man; one that only requires one thing from anybody in His life and gives so much more in return. We discussed it in the realm of the “other submissive or slave thing” -He pointed out that there would maybe be times in this dynamic that He would bring another submissive or slave into this house and how would i feel about Him sharing sacred things with her. i don’t have a problem with that at all - another slave would definitely have to prove her devotion to Him; show her loyalty and dedication to Him and earn her place and all the rewards and gifts that come with it. i can respect that; i can get my brain wrapped around it. i can even welcome it with open arms. But what i can’t welcome is that here He is, willing to spend this time with her and give her things that i hold sacred, things that i’ve had to earn, that she just can come and take without having to prove anything even after she put a knife in His back. It’s kind of a slap in the face, really.

i told Master that in a perfect world He would want me here no matter what; that He wouldn’t feel the need to send me away like i don’t even matter and that even if He didn’t spend the entire time with the both of us, just keep me here and make me feel important enough to share SOME time with her. Introduce me to her, show her how he feels about me and show me that i’m important enough in His life for her to meet. His idea of a perfect world is for me to be accepting of it, to get something positive from it and NOT have my feelings hurt by any of it. We both kind of resolved ourselves to the fact that these are perfect world scenarios and we don’t expect either of us to fall in line completely with either thought process.

i am accepting of all of this. i can be accepting because i feel as if He is keeping this separate from us because it’s not ABOUT us. It’s about Him and someone from His past that He’s just really wanting to connect with again for old time sake. And i am getting something positive from all of this. i am proud of the way i’ve handled myself for the most part; Master is happy with the way i’ve been able to control my emotions and talk things over with Him. i WANT this to be a happy experience for Him even though He doesn’t want me to be a part of it; i want to come out on the other side with an even stronger bond with Him.

i want to be able to show Him that no matter what, i can be even more devoted and dedicated to His happiness than He could ever dream possible.

There has been a lot going on here on Walton’s mountain.  i have much to post about and it may become long and droll at times but bear with me, you might be glad you did!  

Today i challenge anybody who reads this blog that is submissive to either leave a comment listing 10 things you love about your Master/Dominant; email me and i will post it here on my site tomorrow or use your own blog as a means to post 10 things you love about your Master/Dom.

Furthermore, i challenge those of you in any other type of relationship that might read this blog to do the same for your significant other. You can either comment or email me as well or just do it for yourself.

Go ahead and share it with your significant other, too. It will make them feel good.

Here are 10 things i love about my Master:

10. He loves my dog.

9. when He says, “Come here, slave” or “Bend over the bed, slave” or “Dick in your mouth.”

8. He listens when i speak; even when i’m out of control.

7. He is open and honest and shares things with me; even things that might be difficult to hear.

6. He makes me laugh.

5. He is the first and only guy i’ve been with who has allowed me to truly be myself.

4. He is fair.

3. He makes me feel safe in who i am; who we are; what life will bring.

2. He takes care of me.

1. That He loves me despite the fact that i challenge Him without really meaning to.

        “How about no?” was my retort.

        “You don’t get to tell ME no,” said Master as he weaved His fingers through my hair.

i felt guilty for a nanosecond. i sputtered and stammered to save my hide but Master spoke up.

         “I’m just playing with you this morning,” He said. “Don’t ruin this good morning by pouting,” He griped.

i knew that. i was just playing with HIM. That’s how things get lost in translation around here; it’s how i walk that thin line and try to loosen up enough to be playful like Master wants but remain just respectful enough of His position to where i don’t get in trouble for my smart mouth.

One very important element to this relationship is that i accept that at anytime Master could want another woman for whatever reason or that He could set up a meeting for me with another man, woman or both, or many of each…you get the picture. While i go into this acceptance with slight hesitation my devotion to making Him happy never wanes. It’s a very scary thing to think about; Master thinks that i should just be able to hear His ideas and accept them without fail. That if He arranged for six men to come and do what they please with this body i should be strong enough to accept it without any repercussions, without having to deal with the fear of this kind of reality in my own brain.

These days He has been in contact with a couple of the exes in His life. He has told me lately of fantasies involving me being a slave to Him and one of His exes and i automatically bristle at that. Today the joke was of having to accept being dominated by another woman. i don’t like the idea but then again, i don’t have a choice in the matter.

i can think about another man dominating me. i can think of any number of scenarios involving other men; sex, blow jobs, physical pain and no sex, serving another man in the name of my own Master but a woman just sets me on fire.

i think because of how Master feels about these exes it makes me all squirmy and inferior. i can’t bear to think of having to bow down to them while He is in the scenario. That’s where the problem comes in for me. How can He put His property in a position that could be construed as lower than their status in His life? What message is that sending to me, His slave? Good thing He understands this. Also good that i have a sense of humor when i’m told i’m allowed to have a sense of humor. It led to some great banter between us this morning.

i have a new assignment this week. (by the way, i’ve been given a week to do this assignment but have to have it done by Saturday; Master informed me this morning that while my argument is true that there are 7 days in a week, Master says there are only four days in this particular week and i’d better have my assignment done by Saturday*giggle*) i have to write a little story for Master in which i am dominated by a woman.

This task makes me angry and agitated. It’s one of those times when i wish i could stomp my feet and pout and whine and tell Him that i’m not going to do it. But that’s His whole point. He wants to see this struggle because He knows how much this bothers me.

It’s times like these when i wish my only hobby was plastic canvas weaving or something….Jesus, it’s going to be a long four day week….

EDIT: It's now 10:57 p.m. on Thursday and i don't have my writing assignment finished. 

Master asked me the other night what ritual i disliked the most in my every day life.

It wasn’t a big struggle to come up with something but nonetheless, i felt like whatever i said i would be disrespecting His control over me and i hesitated for a few seconds. i stammered over my words, wanting to handle it just right, wanting to come off the right way, that while i appreciate His control over me in every aspect of our life, there is one thing that i dislike.

And it’s not a huge dislike either. (here i go backpeddling for no reason!) i like every thing that Master has me do (or not do.) The reminder of His control over me as a person by having to ask permission for certain things is a powerful thing. It makes me more aware of things, it makes me grateful for the simpler things and it makes me appreciate Him more when He takes the time to listen to me when i ask for permission to do things that might be mundane but a privilege just the same.

i told Him that there wasn’t one thing that really bothered me or that i really disliked. i didn’t want to spit all over His position in this house and disrespect the very few things He asks of me. However, when pushed, i told Him that having to ask to sit on the furniture was something i disliked.

But consider the freedoms i am already granted and i still feel bad for saying it. Sitting in the computer chair when i am at the computer is a given; from day one He told me that i didn’t have to ask. Same goes for my hobby chair. If i am working on a project i am allowed to sit at my table in my old creaky office chair and enjoy what i am doing. i am to ask to sit at the dining room table and eat with Him however, more often than not, i am granted the permission to sit in the chair next to Him and eat. Same goes for us sitting at the coffee table in the living room to eat - sometimes i might ask to sit on a foot stool (not the couch where He sits) to enjoy dinner and it is always granted. When i’m out of the house and visiting family or friends my furniture privileges are automatically granted for obvious reasons.

i know what you are thinking - that i’m a spoiled slave girl. And you’re right. Master does like to spoil me when i am being a good girl.

More often than not i don’t sit to watch television in the living room because i don’t like having to lay (or sit) on the floor to watch. The reason is two fold, really. It’s not that i dislike sitting or laying on the floor because in the grand scheme of things it’s not uncomfortable and i know it’s where i belong. It’s just that sometimes i just wanna be normal and flop onto the couch with a comfy blanket and pillow and just zone out to the shows on television, whatever they might be. The other side of that coin is that with three dogs in the house, and with remnants of dogs that have lived here in the past, that usually gets my allergies in an uproar. And don’t get me wrong - i clean this house sometimes to an unhealthy obsession because we are both really clean people. However, short of dedicating my life to keeping the floors spotless 24/7, there are going to be times when the floors get to me.

There was no negative outcome to this little conversation we had the other day. i still felt a little bad for even having an answer for Him but i know that it was just an exercise in Him getting inside of my brain. i understand that it’s just a way for Him to gain even further access into the brain of His slave and i love the connection we get from these sometimes deep conversations. 

i guess i'm just a big slut after all....

i have been trying to connect with Master on a different level lately. i can have a one track mind sometimes. When it’s time for a blow job, i set to my task seriously and give Him my all. i try to give as much attention to His cock as i possibly can during those moments. This usually entails a head down, eyes closed scenario and a gusto that is unmatched. However, recently i have been trying to open my eyes more; i have been trying to look up at Him at different times to see what is going on - to see His expression, to see how He is looking at me or if He iS looking at me - to feel a connection far deeper than just the act of going down on Him. i would like to say that i am shy in the sex department - i’ve never been comfortable with myself or my body so opening my eyes and looking at the other person during sexual acts has always scared me. i don’t know what i look like and that’s fine with me; but i think i feared the rejection in just a look so i didn’t open my eyes.

We had a wicked good time the other night - Master had me dress up for Him a little bit to lay down with Him and watch a movie. i arrived beside His bed in my long black gown, pantyhose, a cute little pair of white ankle socks with the ruffle and a black bow on the back and a pair of open back heels. Whilst i bent over the bed and went down on Him He decided on a new twist.

i was to grab the full length mirror and bring it to the end of the bed so that He could see a different angle of me with a mouth full of cock. That soon turned into quite an experience. He got it into His head that it would be fantastic to have ME watch myself going down on Him as well.

The first time i twisted my head to watch myself go down on Him was kind of surreal. There i was laying aside of Him with my hair pulled back and my make up done and a mouth full of cock.

All i could think was, “Wow! is that really me?”

it was startling to see to say the least. Surprisingly, not because i thought i looked bad or because i was embarrassed or ashamed. But because i found it to be very hot and it pushed a button within me and i got a super huge thrill from those first few glimpses of my mouth full of cock. i was charged up at that point and it drew out the inner whore in me. i suddenly wanted to beg Master to videotape us so i could enjoy some home made porn.

*sounds of screeching breaks and tires and car horns fill the air*

What the hell?!?

This from the girl who had originally told Master BEFORE He was my Master that i’d never allow anybody to film me in any capacity. Now my cunt was literally dripping at the thought of seeing myself in pictures - moving or otherwise. And it’s been on my mind ever since.

i can’t explain exactly what was going through my mind during the experience. i looked at myself in a whole new light that night. i came to grips with my imperfections and my positive points - i found myself to be pretty attractive in those moments and i liked what i saw. After 30+ years of self degradation and self hatred it was a profound moment for me. Then it hit me - is this how Master sees me too? Does He look down at me and see my hunger, my drive, my desire and find me just as attractive?

it goes down in the books as another eye opening moment living as Master’s slave. How much He has taught me about myself and how much He has given me without even realizing it. i feel like a whole new me was born. That i have somehow come out of a shell of sorts. Now that i know how i look and i know how He looks at me in those moments, i have a renewed strength. i want to experience what He experiences - i want to see Him, His expressions, His face when we are engaged in sexual activity. i want to look Him in the eye when i go down on Him or when He enters me so that i can feel it in the pit of my stomach like the other night. The connection is so strong and so powerful i feel bad that i haven’t allowed either of us the joy of this experience in the past

Once again, thank You, Master. i love You.